You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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