Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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