you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
