Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
