listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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