totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
