That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
