what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
nutella sex= disaster
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
