If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
