so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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