Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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