so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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