If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize