so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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