apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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