how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
