Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
