There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
