Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
