i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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