she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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