I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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