tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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