Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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