Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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