so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
