You just made me feel so damn special
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize