Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
