Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
What drink are we having for lunch?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
