he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
