Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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