well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
