I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
