if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
