i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
