butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I have tasted many bathrooms
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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