I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
