i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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