I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
