yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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