I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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