Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
As shirtless as possible
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
