beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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