I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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