Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
