i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
