i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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