He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
