I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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