is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Randomize
