I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
