i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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