I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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