I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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