Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
