Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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