good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
and she was petting her beer can
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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