i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
