yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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