I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
