a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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