I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
