Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
