he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
