This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
