Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
