Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
