Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
