I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
im having a threesome with these popsicles
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
