Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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