Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
