This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
