Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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