I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
