I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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